


why did you leave without even a goodbye?

by Queen_Of_Sarcasm



Series: Just Little Boys Playing Dress-up [8]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Character Study, Child Death, Dadza, Depends on how you look at it, Flower Symbolism, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Violence, L'Mantree, No Dialogue, Not Beta Read, One-Shot, POV First Person, Permadeath AU, Realistic Minecraft, Sad Ending, They/Them Pronouns for Eret (Video Blogging RPF), Tommy-centric, TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), but who knows?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:48:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27654362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Of_Sarcasm/pseuds/Queen_Of_Sarcasm
Summary: "Oh, you're so traumatized it makes me want to cry.You dumb bitch,I loved you, I loved you, I loved you, it's true.I wanted to be you and do what you do.I lived here, I loved here, I bought it, it's true.I'm so embarrassed, I feel abused."- Rat by Penelope Scott-----------------A series of Tommy's journal entries after the Final War.
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Dave | Technoblade & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Eret & Floris | Fundy, Eret & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Floris | Fundy & Niki | Nihachu, No Romantic Relationship(s), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Series: Just Little Boys Playing Dress-up [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951354
Comments: 9
Kudos: 191





	why did you leave without even a goodbye?

**Author's Note:**

> Hope that you enjoy this, if you could please leave a kudos, bookmark, or a comment, that really helps me out! Hope everything is going well wherever you are, and that you are staying safe during this crazy time. Anyway, here is that good ol' angst!

XX/XX/XXXX

The crater is smaller than I thought it would be. 

In my nightmares, the explosions seemed to destroy everything, turning the sky entirely black. The sky was gray and L’manburg was nothing anymore, but no one died from the actual explosion (It feels like someone did). Techno’s withers didn’t destroy that much, it just left everyone with veiny, black scars all over. 

Mine are on my back and hands. They hurt writing this.

I need to take my potions now.

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

Tubbo is trying to keep everyone optimistic, and he is doing his best job that he can. He is a better president than I could have been, but I know that my twin can do anything he wants. He is able to listen to everyone and take advice (You never were able to listen to others). He is leading everyone in filling the crater in, Quackity is taking the lead on getting volunteers.

Quackity has been a great secretary of state as well. He always seemed like such a prankster before this but he is more mature (he is barely three years older than me, did you forget that too?). He is creating a task force to take Techno down, I think that no matter the number of people he gets, they will never be able to stop him. (Our) my brother is too strong when it comes to what he wants.

I am helping fill in the crater tomorrow. We all estimate that it will take weeks to finish the job up, and then we can plan to build on top of it. Tubbo says that we won’t remake the walls. I would have disagreed a couple of months ago, but now, I think that separating people will just lead to more conflict that we can’t deal with.

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

Phil is still learning how things work around here.

He managed to get netherite armor and weapons extremely quickly, but I don’t expect anything less of him. He is fixing all of the damage all over the land, the old and the new. When he first got here, no one seemed to take him seriously, but I think they forgot that he survived in a hardcore world for five years and he was the second king of the Antarctic Empire (I forget that we were technically princes).

Phil has made a base for me and Tubbo to stay in. It is the safest that I have felt in, gods, months. Tubbo has woke up from nightmares, holding his blind eye and scars for the past two nights, and Phil looks so sad while I hold my twin in my arms to comfort him. I don’t think that Phil knows how to heal wounds that he didn’t even see be made. 

Phil also wakes up sometimes from nightmares. He doesn’t talk about them, but he keeps a close eye on all of the diamond swords in the armory (he had one when he came back, it was stained red). He is smiling always, but it is a tighter smile, a more sad smile.

Most smiles nowadays are sad.

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

Your grave is under L’mantree.

Mauve carnations grow from it.

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

Why did you leave?

(And why didn’t you take me with you?)

Did you know that I would mourn you once you were gone? Did you not know that or did you just do this out of spite? Either way, you are an asshole for leaving me behind. You promised that you wouldn’t leave. You were my brother, and even if you hurt me, I know that there was still love in your heart. There is love in my heart for you.

Techno is even more blood-thirsty now, I didn’t even think that was possible. Phil seems so guilty even if you made him kill you, his nightmares keep us all awake. Tubbo is on the brink of a panic attack from rebuilding L’manburg. Fundy is in denial, he isn’t listening to any of us. Quackity hasn’t stopped smiling since then, and I think we all know that he is faking. Gods, Niki hasn’t baked in weeks.

And I can’t stop crying.

I know that I shouldn’t be crying over a terrorist, but you were my older brother, my president, my leader. You say that L’manburg was unfinished, I never understood how you could call people unfinished until I realized that you thought of L’manburg as a place, a revolution. I always thought of L’manburg as the people, I guess we weren’t on the same page (I didn’t know what you were thinking no matter what).

Why can’t you just come back?

Please?

(I miss you so much).

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

Me and Eret got to talk today.

They have made themself a new base since George took over their castle. I was getting more spruce wood for New L’manburg when we ran into each other. They apologized and immediately tried to run away as we met, but I just grabbed their arm and kept them back (for a split second, they looked scared. I can see how people think that they and Tubbo might be bio siblings. Their fear has the same heart-breaking feeling).

I calmed them down, and just said that I needed to tell them one thing. They nodded when I said that, and I just told them that I forgave them. I think I forgave them a long time ago, but I pretend to still hate them because you hated them, and I did everything that you did (besides go crazy, but my sanity is debatable).

They just stared at me while I said it before they broke down crying. They pulled me into a hug, and I found that they are one of the few people that I don’t flinch away from, besides Niki and Tubbo. I found myself also starting to cry, from relief that they accepted my forgiveness or something else, I have no idea.

We both stood there, hugging and crying for what must have been 15 minutes before I broke away. I asked them if they were willing to help me get supplies, they immediately said yes. We worked for the next couple of hours, and at one point, they took off their sunglasses and looked at me. I wasn’t scared of their eyes, which they seemed almost surprised by (I will and never would blame someone for something they can’t change).

As the sun began to set, they told me that I could start heading back to New L’manburg. I grabbed their hand however and started dragging them along with me as well. They asked me what I was doing, and I said that we both needed to go home. I saw their face freeze in joyful surprise before they laughed, and said that they would race me home. I yelled after them as they ran, with the hope of slowing them down, before starting the race as well.

(Would you be proud of me for having forgiveness?)

(I don’t think so, you didn’t apologize for what you did).

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

Niki made chocolate-chip cookies.

They were really good.

I left one on your grave in case you wanted to try.

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

Tubbo and I have just been swamped with paperwork.

How did you even deal with all of it? (I don’t think you actually did). A lot of it is treaty-specific stuff with Dream’s land and the Badlands. Both of them are more inclined to Techno’s idea of anarchy but we have managed to drag them to our side. It is mostly only because we have a lot of diamonds.

We have diamonds since we have so many people who are just nice and willing to help us, people who aren’t even L’manburg citizens (why did we ban these people from our country?). Purpled, Karl, Puffy have been the main supporters, Tubbo and I have offered them actual citizenship but only Karl took the deal. The other two say that they just want to stay neutral, which I get.

I wish me and Tubbo could be neutral now.

Did you know that I and him planned to run away? The night after you went fully crazy, he and I talked on our bench, and we realized that all we really needed were the discs and each other. We stayed however because I couldn’t leave you alone. I wonder what would have happened if we had left?

I think that we would have made a cabin in a flower forest or by a river, basically, any place where bees could be. I would have a new pet cow, Henry Jr, and I and Tubbo could be kids again. No war, no death, no murderous family and friends. You said that we would get that life if we lost the election (that was not the first or the last promise you didn’t keep). 

Maybe I and Tubbo can make a vacation cabin in the woods once New L’manburg is done with construction. That day looks like it is a million years from now, but I will now wait with even more joy for that day. We could take some of your mauve carnations with us so that you get to travel as well.

That idea sounds nice.

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

Me, Quackity, and Fundy have rewritten the anthem.

Here it is (I think you would like it) :

_ Well, I've heard there is an even more special place, _

_ Where people can go and emancipate, _

_ The brutality and the tyranny of their rulers. _

_ Well, this place is real, and once was, _

_ With  _ _ Wilbur _ ,  _ Tommy _ _ ,  _ _ Tubbo _ _ , Fundy, Eret, _

_ It is now a very big and rebuilt New L'Manberg _

_ Our L'Manberg, Our L'Manberg, Our L'Manberg, Our L'Manberg _

We thought that it needed to be changed.

It felt a bit too old-fashioned.

(You have to admit that it doesn’t really work now).

We also rebuilt the flag.

It is the same colors and style of the original one,

but we added a new line of smaller red x’s in the middle.

(They stand for the people who lost their lives for our country, sort of a memorial).

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

Fundy is missing.

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

We found his body.

Techno killed him.

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

We buried him next to you under L’mantree.

Yellow carnations grew from his dirt, they mixed into your mauve ones.

It looks kinda pretty.

(Sorry, if it is a little crowded down there).

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

I gave a speech at Fundy’s funeral.

(You didn’t really have a funeral).

I was the first speech, I kept it short since I didn’t want to cry. Eret got through their entire speech as well, they cried the entire time. They mostly talked about how they and Fundy were best friends (I never truly knew). Niki got through 2 words before she broke down, Quackity comforted her. Phil’s speech was short, his eyes teary the entire time. Tubbo had to give the last one, and he did his whole political part of it before he broke down as well.

We know now that Techno killed Fundy because we got close to his territory. That damned bloodthirsty anarchist. We found a bag of flowers and baking ingredients with Fundy’s body, it looked like he was getting supplies for Eret’s birthday party. When we found that out, Eret sobbed for hours (I don’t blame them).

Niki is pushing for Quackity’s idea of an anti-Techno army now. She has fiery anger in her eyes that I haven’t seen in a while, it is terrifying (she has always been stronger than any of us). Tubbo, who was against it now, is allowing for funding. I can help but agree. When did it become a fact that I and Tubbo would be willing for our older brother to be killed?

It is quieter now.

Things were finally getting better.

(I guess your paranoia was a strength).

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

This might be my final entry.

We need to lead an attack against Techno, but we need someone to sneak and get info first. I volunteered to be that spy (You would always say that I act before I think, but I didn’t even need to think about this decision). Everyone tried to argue, but I said that I, Tubbo, and Phil understand how Techno works, but Phil is not that sneaky and Tubbo is the president, so I have to go. I am leaving tonight at midnight so that I am under the cover of the dark.

I don’t think I am coming back.

Techno has already tried to kill me before, so I know that he won’t hesitate (he didn’t think twice before taking Fundy away). He views me as this story’s hero, and he believes that the hero will never get a happy ending where they get to live. I think that he doesn’t understand that I have known that since the duel, I never forgot (I never told you that, did I?).

I will miss New L’manburg. It is better than the original L’manburg ever was. I hope that it thrives after this, I know that it will. It has a wonderful group of people supporting it, so it can’t fail (we used to think the same thing, but our dreams were unrealistic). Mostly, I will miss the people. I will miss my friends and my family.

I will miss Purpled’s building skills, I will miss Puffy’s comforting hugs, I will miss Karl’s contagious laughter, I will miss Thunder’s sense of humor, I will miss Quackity’s smiles, I will miss Eret's pranks, I will miss Niki’s treats, (I will miss Fundy’s genius, I will miss your music), I will miss Phil’s calming presence, I will miss Tubbo.

Oh, Tubbo.

I’m sorry that I have to leave you alone.

We are two halves of the same soul, and I am sorry that I am tearing you apart (I know that you understand the twin connection, Techno seemed to feel your pain at that moment). If you ever read this, Tubbo, take care of yourself. Don’t work too hard, make Quackity vice-president and fully instate Niki and Eret as advisors. You will all do great.

Please bury me next to Fundy and Wilbur.

(Sorry if I take up the limited space that we will all have).

Alright, I have to go. Midnight is approaching.

If I don’t die, I will just rip out this part.

Wilbur, I have mostly been talking to you through this thing, and I just want to say,

See you soon.

(Goodnight)

\--------------------------------

XX/XX/XXXX

Tommy was buried under L’mantree.

He grew white carnations, they mixed in with the yellow and mauve very well.

I miss him. 

I miss Fundy.

I miss you, Wilbur. 

(I miss being a family).

I hope you all get to rest.

Sleep well.

  * Tubbo, 1st and Current President of New L’manburg



**Author's Note:**

> Mauve Carnations: Dreams of fantasy
> 
> Yellow Carnations: Rejection, disdain, disappointment
> 
> White Carnations: Sweet and lovely, innocence, pure love, faithfulness


End file.
